Giulia

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  • I am 20

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May 3, Hawaii 9 comments. Maui, however, still has its fair share of weird issues and problems.

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Yes, yes, children are the future and all that, but they also sure know how to wreck your present.

Think again, neurotic narcissist parent. Yes, I called you a narcissist—is there anything more self-loving than reproducing yourself?

Where you sleep, shit, shower, shave and—oh my god, I hope—have sex determines the entire emotional pitch of your trip. And, nothing spoils a stroll under the sultry Hawaiian moonlight faster than hearing a two-year-old princess throw a hissy fit because her shave ice is pink instead of red.

You left the kids with grandma for a reason: 7 adults-only hawaiian activities

Yes, pro-fucking-hibited! And if you do, good on you—you deserve it. Book a few nights here and you might be able to take up mental space in the adult world again. You know, that arena where books without pictures are read and HBO is watched and politics exist beyond the sandbox. Just exercise some caution and use protection.

Good God, do you? You heard me right. DJs get the crowd moving and the rowdy night concludes with a fireworks show over the Waikiki harbor. Or have some prepubescent boy eyeing your halter dress and praying for a nip slip? Or dealing with obnoxious, judgmental parents who scowl at you for having too much?

Ask the mayor: why doesn’t maui have strip clubs?

In short: yeah, no. Visiting Hawaii during the fall?

Far more scary than cage diving with sharks in Hawaii could ever be. Soothe those triceps that have gotten jacked since your tot learned how to walk during a duet massage in a cabana sequestered away from all those kids, most of whom are hopped up on Adderall and coconut candy. One worth its salt? Had a shotgun wedding? Or it that just me? With their unlimited Pina coladas and half-bare dancers, luaus rarely disappoint in terms of libations and entertainment.

5 weird things you didn’t know about maui

Unfortunately, kids are allowed to these things, thereby destroying any real chance at lasting romantic moments, or even happiness. Live like a local and get your game on—as in Mario Kart, sir—at this bar and gaming center on Oahu, where you can exercise your thumbs while tossing back beers.

There are few savvier ways to get your libidos going again than at a strip club. Pro tip: be a baller for once and get some bottle service. Just ask your wifey before bringing strippers back to your hotel room.